For Moms who struggle through every waking hour…

every tantrum…

every childish demand…

Let’s struggle not to complain too much…

or teach independence when its still too soon…

We might end up missing every cuddle…

and appreciate our kids’ childhood too late…

reposted from Shire Kids

Everyday I set a study time for the kids… And I take it seriously as I do plan out the lessons that I give to the kids. That’s complete with books and other materials.

But today, my 6-year old boy kept on asking me questions about God during breakfast. He was so interested that it would have been so heartless of me to cut him off for the sake of our scheduled lesson time. And so, instead of the planned out lessons for each of them, the three of us sat down with their kiddie bible books:

The 6-year old has always thrown faith-related questions my way since he was a toddler. He was the one who inspired hubby and I to make it a point to say our prayers before meals and during bedtime. As he grew, his questions also become harder to answer… add to that the fact that I am not a deeply religious person.

Our talk led us to the second commandment and right after I said “Bow down to no one but God”, he blurted out:

“Mommy, Mommy, why do we bow down to the person in front in Church?”

He was referring to the priest (when we go to Catholic mass – I am Catholic) and the pastor (when we go to Christian service - hubby and kids are Methodist).

The question would have been simple and a devoutly religious person would have a ready answer to that. Thanks to my upbringing, I gave him the correct spiel.

But I carry my own prejudices.

In retrospect, as I was answering his question, I can’t help but be reminded of people’s tendency to look up to, even idolize, religious leaders. Coming from the innocent questioning of his young mind, it brings an unbiased observation of the faithful’s tendency to violate the second commandment. And how easy it is to violate!

Thousands flock to see esteemed religious leaders. Words of heavenly praises are given to those who are adored and idolized. In so doing, most of us -unintentionally, of course – would no longer see the one and only God. Instead, we see the religious leader there. And then, we hear disconcerting news about them. They who preach violate their own preaching.

Yeah, I was very affected, thus this post. But I kept my thoughts to myself. My kids are too young and too innocent. Their faith is fresh and pure.

Despite “myself”, they will go through their religious journey with optimism and innocence. I will be with them in their journey. But unlike other parents who are seemingly sure of their faith, I will be beside them and with them but I will be discreetly carrying my own prejudices with the hope that I go back to that “age of innocence” in so far as my faith is concerned.

Precious short conversation with my 5-year old Firstborn:

Firsborn: Mommy, who do you love?

Me:  I love you and baby and your Daddy love.

Firstborn: What about yourself Mommy?

Me: Hmmm… of course, I love myself.

Firstborn: Don’t forget to love yourself, Mommy, ok?

So young… and so perceptive.

Several nights ago I got so angry with my Firstborn.

This very minute that I am writing, I conveniently forgot the reason of my anger. But, yes, I was angry and I made him feel that anger. I turned my back on him when we were about to sleep. This is one drastic move to a boy used to being hugged while he goes to dreamland.

You see, we sleep together. My boys and I. When we are with their daddy, the four of us roll on two beds purposely put together so we have a big space to sleep in. Firstborn sleep in his Daddy’s arms while Secondborn sleeps on my arms. Most often, you’ll see Firstborn on top of his Daddy’s chest soundly sleeping. He would cry out for his Dad when he feels him gone, even when he is just going to the toilet. There should be words of comfort like “I’ll be back” or he would let out a cry. “Who will hug me?” from Firstborn is frequently heard in our household. This sleeping habit is lovingly tolerated.

Good thing that hubby and I both believe in co-sleeping with our kids. We are more comfortable with it than putting them in their own beds in their own room. That time will come. But not yet. Not yet.

When we woke up the next day, Firsborn’s first words were “I love you, Mommy!”

When we slept again that night, his head was on my left arm while Secondborn’s head was on my right arm. That’s how we sleep when hubby is not with us. I would end up with cramped arms. But it’s a practice that I also could not let go yet.

Then Firstborn reminded me:

“Mommy, remember last night, you were angry with me? You did not hug me?”

“Yes, you made me angry, that’s why.”

“But you love me. So when you love me, you still need to hug me even when you are angry with me.”

I was out of words.

Wow! It had been a week of no blogging. I haven’t tinkered with my blog nor browsed through other blogs that I always visit.

Guess, it had been a busy week for me. Writing assignments overload! It’s a daily deadline of writing tasks that I had to sleep when others are just stirring from their sleep preparing to face the day ahead. By the time everyone’s up, I am up also with a dizzy head.

Oh well, my writing tasks are not as demanding as they are supposed to be. It’s just that I have to put aside writing when the kiddos are awake. Sometimes, I feel really guilty when I would wish for my
Second born to sleep already so I can start with my work. I need for him to take a nap before my Firstborn comes home, otherwise I would be able to do nothing at all. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

This is what I have bargained for. I wanted to be a stay at home mom to personally look after my kids’ bath, food, study time, play time and all sorts of time that a mom could ever have with her kids while they are still young. Much as I want to take in more assignments, I just have to back off. I also had to gently but firmly stand my ground with “employers” who request for articles during the weekend. It’s the only time we are complete as a family in the house and I cannot compromise that.

I don’t want to continue whispering to my Second born my apologies for not reading enough to him, for not playing enough with him, for not spending time with him the way I used to spend my time with my Firstborn. I don’t want to look back to my mommy days and regret what I should have done more.

So, I guess I just have to take in an even lesser workload from this time onwards lest I will become confuse with my priorities  and stray away from what I have defined for myself for now… while my kids are still young.

I have to keep fit to keep up with my boys’ energy, including hubby’s. I can’t continue working till the wee hours of the morning and go through the day dizzy and short-tempered. Anyway, there’s so much to be thankful for. Hubby works hard and we have to be grateful that we don’t have to worry about finances. The kiddos are growing up very well adjusted in an environment with a language different from what their parents use. As for me, friends do not come short despite the fact that I can’t speak the language even with nearly 6 years of living here in Seoul.  Pathetic, right? LOL. I mean, about the language. I can’t understand my Firstborn most of the time when he takes the liberty to speak in Hangeul. But, that’s another matter. Firstborn speaking Hangeul is a great learning experience for him.

For now, I have resolved that everything should remain the same. Status quo. Just a few more years… when kiddos would fare better when they are not guarded by me all the time… for now, they would be their best when I guard them all the time…lol.

While waiting for my son’s school bus this morning, a Korean Super Mom told me about another girl who lives in the same apartment building. She said she’s a stubborn child. Her parents give in to her every whim so their mornings are always difficult. When the girl wants to change her clothes, the parents will change her clothes. When there is something she doesn’t like in her appearance, the parents will do as she wishes until she is satisfied.

Without much motivation from me to continue with the conversation, she went on to say that “I think pushing kids to do what you want them to do is more efficient. They are too young to know what they want”.

I know she is right.

I also know that kids need all the warmth they could get from the adults around them. They need a more nurturing environment, more than a pushy and efficient atmosphere, to grow as well-rounded as they can. They need to play, run, jump, tease, cry… even when all the adults care about them is catching the school bus.

When they go out of the house and face other kids and other people, do they remember mom’s efficiency in getting them ready and in time for the school bus? Or they remember the laughter during breakfast, the occasional tears of frustration, the chasing when you want to put on their clothes and all they want is for you to catch them?

I am sure there is a balance between being efficient and being nurturing. How? I don’t know the step 1, step 2, step 3. I don’t even think there are exact steps to follow. Every day our kids teach us how in several ways… in many different ways.

“Is Mommy working?”

This was the question raised by my 4-year old while we were eating Sunday night. The question was brought about when his Dad was explaining to him why he should be grateful that he has food on the table to eat while others do not because their parents may not have work (and no money) to buy food. He asked the question somewhat shyly, probably aware of something his young mind could not fathom yet.

Both hubby and I answered “Yes”. Mommy works in the house. Mommy takes care of the babies and the daddy and manages the household.

“Is the house mommy’s office?” he continued. We managed to explain to him mommy’s role…

I have no qualms about my decision to be a stay-at-home mom. In fact, I am happy to  have the opportunity to make this choice. Being a stay-at-home mom was not brought upon me by circumstances for even if I am living in the Philippines, I would still choose to be one. That’s how I see myself. That’s how I want to live my life… while my kids are young.

My friends in law school are now lawyers. My friends from the company I used to work in have been promoted. My childhood friends are practicing the profession they chose. I am happy for them. And I am happy for me.

My mother-in-law once remarked “Sayang ang talino mo” (You’re putting your intelligence to waste). I know she meant well but how could my intelligence be put to waste? My energy and my intelligence are put into very good use as I am molding the most important people in my life… MY KIDS.

If there are people who could make me insecure, they are those that I love the most and to whom I have committed this vocation: my children and my husband. My children are too innocent to waver my self-confidence.

I hold on to my husband. And I expect him to see me in the same level – as a capable partner. I would be greatly insulted if he ceases to talk to me and consult me. Inside the house and between the two of us, I expect to be consulted. Outside the house, everything can appear to be his decision. He is the man of the house, after all.

While most women complain of boredom while being a stay-at-home mom, I don’t. I revel at my kids’ progress. I celebrate every one of their milestone. While other moms say taking care of the kids have greatly diminished their intellectual capabilities, I take pleasure in re-channeling my “intellectual pursuits” as to how to raise my kids, which learning method works best for my 4-year old, which is the most suitable pre-school for him, which books should I read to them and which books should I read to help me in my present job (motherhood). This is a tough job I have. Everyday has new learnings for every day I commit mistakes. Endless mistakes.

And I am accountable to the four people I could not afford to fail – my 2 kids, my husband and MYSELF.

It’s Little Dynamo’s 2 weeks spring vacation.

Our house is a mess of toys and books. Some days we go out with friends. Some days we are at a friend’s house or at the building’s playroom. Some days friends are in the house. But all the mornings, we spend inside the house.

It’s a battle between me picking up books and toys and the boys scattering them around until I give up. Sometimes it’s a battle between the two of them.

To whom will mommy read? 

Which book will I read?

Little Dynamo’s dinosaur book or Baby Dynamo’s toy story book?

Mommies of two, what do you do?

I miss Little Dynamo.

Yes, we’re together every day but those every day I spend most with Baby Dynamo… hugging him, carrying him, cleaning him. He’s still a baby, after all.

I also get easily irritated with Little Dynamo and I don’t feel good after each time I scold him.

I miss him… just him… just the two of us.

I asked hubby for a day to date my first baby. And we did!

We had a mall date.. the usual stuff… lunch, arcade games and a movie!

On the way home, Little Dynamo said “Mommy, can we have another date tomorrow?”

That felt good. My little boy still wants me.

I wasn’t a good mom to my Little Dynamo a few nights ago. And I didn’t feel good about it.

This burden of guilt isn’t new. It has been constantly nagging me. Aside from my son’s time in pre-school, we are inseparable. I had been congratulated and applauded for his speaking skills, his fast motor development, etc. But, I had been jokingly taunted about his temper – which is said he took after me.

When I think about it, it isn’t just about his temper. My greatest fear is – and my greater burden – if and he will not be the kind of boy some adults idealized him to be, it will be because of me. He speaks his mind. Some adults may be offended because Filipino kids just don’t talk to adults that way and it will be because of me.

He is not too close nor too sweet to his grandparents. He doesn’t see them every day or every week or every month. It is not easy for him to say I love you to them… in front of them. And it will be because of me.

He doesn’t dance as graceful as his cousins. Mother-in-law in an unguarded moment remarked it is because I don’t allow him to watch tv shows. Mother-in-law’s grandchildren are updated with dance crazes back home courtesy of tv shows. My son’s lack of grace is because of me – because I don’t let him watch tv and because I am not physically graceful, too. LOL.

From the trivial to the important ones… these all add up to my constant worry of being the “bad influence” because we are constantly together and I am, in effect, molding him into how I think he should grow up. The reference to  my influence on him has gotten into me and has made me guilty each time I see character traits in him that he shouldn’t have but has acquired because – as has been frequently pointed out to me – of me!

Got to shake this out of my system – but how?