I wasn’t a good mom to my Little Dynamo a few nights ago. And I didn’t feel good about it.
This burden of guilt isn’t new. It has been constantly nagging me. Aside from my son’s time in pre-school, we are inseparable. I had been congratulated and applauded for his speaking skills, his fast motor development, etc. But, I had been jokingly taunted about his temper – which is said he took after me.
When I think about it, it isn’t just about his temper. My greatest fear is – and my greater burden – if and he will not be the kind of boy some adults idealized him to be, it will be because of me. He speaks his mind. Some adults may be offended because Filipino kids just don’t talk to adults that way and it will be because of me.
He is not too close nor too sweet to his grandparents. He doesn’t see them every day or every week or every month. It is not easy for him to say I love you to them… in front of them. And it will be because of me.
He doesn’t dance as graceful as his cousins. Mother-in-law in an unguarded moment remarked it is because I don’t allow him to watch tv shows. Mother-in-law’s grandchildren are updated with dance crazes back home courtesy of tv shows. My son’s lack of grace is because of me – because I don’t let him watch tv and because I am not physically graceful, too. LOL.
From the trivial to the important ones… these all add up to my constant worry of being the “bad influence” because we are constantly together and I am, in effect, molding him into how I think he should grow up. The reference to my influence on him has gotten into me and has made me guilty each time I see character traits in him that he shouldn’t have but has acquired because – as has been frequently pointed out to me – of me!
Got to shake this out of my system – but how?