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Burden of Guilt is on the Stay-at-Home Mom

Jan 21, 2011
motherhood

I wasn’t a good mom to my Little Dynamo a few nights ago. And I didn’t feel good about it.

This burden of guilt isn’t new. It has been constantly nagging me. Aside from my son’s time in pre-school, we are inseparable. I had been congratulated and applauded for his speaking skills, his fast motor development, etc. But, I had been jokingly taunted about his temper – which is said he took after me.

When I think about it, it isn’t just about his temper. My greatest fear is – and my greater burden – if and he will not be the kind of boy some adults idealized him to be, it will be because of me. He speaks his mind. Some adults may be offended because Filipino kids just don’t talk to adults that way and it will be because of me.

He is not too close nor too sweet to his grandparents. He doesn’t see them every day or every week or every month. It is not easy for him to say I love you to them… in front of them. And it will be because of me.

He doesn’t dance as graceful as his cousins. Mother-in-law in an unguarded moment remarked it is because I don’t allow him to watch tv shows. Mother-in-law’s grandchildren are updated with dance crazes back home courtesy of tv shows. My son’s lack of grace is because of me – because I don’t let him watch tv and because I am not physically graceful, too. LOL.

From the trivial to the important ones… these all add up to my constant worry of being the “bad influence” because we are constantly together and I am, in effect, molding him into how I think he should grow up. The reference to  my influence on him has gotten into me and has made me guilty each time I see character traits in him that he shouldn’t have but has acquired because – as has been frequently pointed out to me – of me!

Got to shake this out of my system – but how?

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6 Comments

  1. ~*~thess~*~  •  Jan 21, 2011 @6:58 pm

    hi weng… long time i haven’t posted here.. but i always check ur blogs.

    what can i say? you’re being too harsh on yourself. you are a wonderful mom. and i’m not saying that because you’re my friend but because you are all that.

    as a mom, myself, i realized that we can’t be what others may want us to be a kind of a mom they want. we have to be The Mom we want to be. Others may Be that our in-laws, our Aunties, Uncles, Parents or any relatives. We can appreciate their opinions, but that’s where the buck stops. The decision lies unto our hands… as a mom, and as a partner to our spouses.

    I look at my KHloe.. and i find her too — determined. For a 16 months old, I did not expect that. A relative told me “she’s too aggressive”. It concerned me at first. Then I told her pediatrician about the comment, and what a relief to be told that my baby is just a normal toddler who is very healthy. He would rather have a healthy and active baby, than a baby who just sits around the corner or wanna be held all the time.

    At one instance, I was offended when I was told that I’m not teaching Khloe how to “bless”(mano) when her cousin blesses everybody. For a 13 months old, they want me to teach my baby how to bless (comparing her to a 15mo). I cried. I felt so inadequate as a MOM. I really thought I am not a good MOM, the way they told me about KHloe not blessing. Then, I poured such sentiments to a friend… gathered myself once again.. and with will and determintaion decided to never again, let anybody make me feel so INADEQUATE as a MOM.

    We will raise our kids to be what they are and how they would embrace life exactly as how we want them to be. And that is our privilege and our right as their birth-MOM. No one can take that away from us. And cliche as it is a passe too — Mothers do know what is best for their child.

    No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. — Eleonore Roosevelt.

  2. Joei  •  Jan 22, 2011 @3:06 am

    I’m not a Mom but I am a daughter and whatever ‘flaws’ I may have, I never (not for one second) think that it’s because of how I was brought up by my parents. So don’t be too hard on yourself …. :)

  3. Annp  •  Jan 23, 2011 @4:39 pm

    I can totally relate with how you feel. My 11-month old son is such a handful nowadays and he’s starting to assert himself more and more each day. Just the other day, hubby mentioned that our son is stubborn like me. He said something about sons being more like their mothers and daughters being more like their dads. So I guess hubby wants to take credit for our daughter who is generally well-behaved and was mellow and easy to handle as a baby. :)

    I think other people will always have an opinion about how we raise our kids. My parents are currently staying with us and they give me pointers here and there about how to raise the little ones. And hubby and I end up butting horns sometimes about our parenting styles.

    But our kids will grow up to be their own person someday. All we can do is provide the best possible environment for them to grow, develop and reach their full potential. Don’t worry too much. You’re doing a good job and your kids will be fine…:)

  4. wendy  •  Jan 24, 2011 @12:17 pm

    thanks for the nod of confidence, tes. budlay ma gin mommy, noh? sang bakasyon ko sa iloilo, istoryahanay kami sg HS friend ko… pareho kami nabudlayan maging mommy. indi kami maintindihan sg iban nga mommies hahaha.

  5. wendy  •  Jan 24, 2011 @12:18 pm

    thanks for the reassuring words, joie. i just need to vent out sometimes for some reality check, too.

  6. wendy  •  Jan 24, 2011 @12:22 pm

    as is often said, girls are easier to handle than boys. though i can’t personally compare:-).

    hubby always take the credit for everything positive with the boys hahaha… he loves to take the credit especially for their good looks.

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